I'm fucked up

The thing that have been bothering me finally happened.

Yes. I know I shouldn't let that affect me, but I really can't help it.

I've been trying so hard to stay positive.

Unfortunately, knowing that she's been beating me in practice didn't help me.

I've been so caught up worrying that she'll beat me and take the school record and shit to the point that I neglected myself.

I was still all negative when I came to the meet which was not a good thing for me at all.

I was devastated after I swam my race this morning.

I hate losing. I fucking hate it!

I know it's not right to have this thought just as my coach said.

But losing to my own teammate is the worst.

I guess I'm just a very selfish teammate.

Shit...I'm so fucked up.